1) Drainpipes
Everyone knows that "drainpipes" is just a new word for "80s jeans." No one looks good in skin-tight pants, period. AC/DC didn't look good in them, your mom didn't look good in them, and you don't look good in them either. Skinny jeans have the magical capability of making anorexic women look like they need to drop about 20 pounds. They are offensive in so many ways that it's amazing how many people have actually picked up on this horrible recycled trend. Your hips look larger, your thighs look fatter, and there is a good possibility you'll be rocking some serious camel toe. They come in a variety of colors and patterns, none of which disguise the fact that the lower half of your body looks like it went through a sausage stuffing machine. I can't believe I haven't heard about anyone's legs falling off due to lack of circulation yet. Don't buy them, don't wear them, and if you have any, please set them on fire.
2) Drapey Crap
Drapes, maternity shirts, titty curtains--call them whatever you want, it doesn't make them any less ugly. Why do pretty girls insist on wearing these shapeless disasters? Not only are they a huge turn-off, they make everyone think you're hiding something even more horrible than the shirt itself. What is it you've got under there? Are you pregnant? Is there some strange conjoined twin coming out of your stomach? WHAT? Fat girls are attracted to these things like moths to a light, but unfortunately, hiding your rolls doesn't make you look any less fat, it simply shows everyone that you're embarrassed of yourself. Everyone has a shape to show off, whether they're a size 2 or a size 20, so please humor us and pack these things away until you actually ARE 9 months pregnant. Even then, you probably shouldn't wear them out in public.
3) Men's Deep V-Neck Tees
Nothing screams "I'm a douchebag with herpes" like showing off your chest hair--ALL of your chest hair. Girls don't like chest hair on guys in the same way that guys don't like chest hair on girls. It's unattractive, and I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone's feelings, but really, it doesn't take too much time to just shave or wax it off. Even if you're as hairless as a naked mole rat, you still shouldn't be prancing around in one of these things, because they make you look like a fucking pedophile. While girls often feel the need to show some skin to attract guys, men don't need to do the same to attract women. Girls think that guys whose nipples are exposed every time they lean over are desperate attention-seekers, and since it's usually the female who fulfills that particular role in a relationship, they are more likely to see you as a threat than a potential partner or hook up. If you really want to impress a girl, rid your closet of all beaters, v-necks, and shirts that say stupid crap. Not only are they ugly, they detract from your face, which is where you actually WANT girls to be looking. Men may be drawn to boobs and butts, but girls want to see your pretty eyes and a nice smile.
4) Hideous Patterns
Yuck. Remember what I was saying about not wearing shit that detracts from your face? Yeah. Stripes are acceptable, but nothing else is. Everyone hates it when people wear complicated patterns. It looks like the Easter Bunny threw up all over you, died, and then you rolled in his bloody carcass. When your outfit is loud, distracting, and incorporates colors that should never be next to one another you become a menace to society. If someone is staring at your stupid outfit, gets into a car accident, and dies, it will be your fault. Just think about that the next time you walk out of the house in a color explosion.
5) Giant Sunglasses
If your goal is to look like an oversized insect, then please, by all means, purchase a pair of enormous sunglasses. Why do girls insist on wearing sunglasses that are half the size of their faces? I suppose you might wear them to make your nose look smaller, but it comes at the price of your dignity. Attaching an enormous piece of plastic to your head doesn't actually DO anything to change the size of your nose, or any other feature, for that matter. It's like when fat women use an entire can of aquanet on their themselves to make their hair bigger because they think it makes them look less fat. It doesn't change anything, it just makes you look like you're overcompensating, which of course, you are. The worst thing about these insect eye glasses is that they've become so popular that it's impossible to find a normal-looking pair anymore. I've had to resort to buying men's sunglasses for the past two years, which fall off of my face because they're too wide. I certainly hope that giant alien bugs don't invade Earth anytime soon, because if they do, and you happen to be wearing a pair of these things, you're likely to be mistaken for one and shot on sight.
6) Fauxhawks
These just make me angry. They're not attractive, but they're not hideous either. My problem with the fauxhawk is that it's a hairdo for guys who are such pussies that they won't commit to an actual mohawk. Most of the people who wear them are a part of corporate America, but they want to be "cooler" than that, so they dump half a can of gel onto their heads on Saturday night, put on the poorly-made metal-studded belt they bought at Spencer's, and head to the nearest nightclub, just so they can stand outside of it and pretend smoke clove cigarettes whenever a girl walks past. It's the perfect look for someone who isn't actually interesting at all, but desperately wants everyone else to think they are. Unfortunately for them, individuality is not something you can buy in a store, (although Hot Topic would like to convince you otherwise.) If you've been thinking that the fauxhawk is for you, maybe you need to figure out who "you" really are first.
7) Cheap Plastic Jewelery
Plastic jewelry is cute when you're 4, but pretty tacky when you're 24. I know it's inexpensive, and I know that it's colorful, but that does not mean you should adorn yourself with it. It makes you look like a little kid playing dress-up, and no one you encounter will take you seriously. Also, most of it is ugly as sin. If you're wearing this crap, it doesn't matter if you've got on a $10,000 Burberry suit, the whole outfit is immediately ruined and everyone will think you're an idiot.
8) Patterned Tights and Leggings
Nothing elicits more screams of horror from innocent bystanders than patterned tights. Even just looking at this picture is dangerous--you might burst a blood vessel in your eye. Please discontinue staring at it right now. Not only do patterned leggings, pantyhose, and tights make your legs look like a giant optical illusion, they also make them appear fatter than they really are. Wearing a pair of these things will make everyone think you're trying to cover up something horrible underneath. If you have premature varicose veins or bad cellulite, please consider opting for a longer skirt, a pair of pants, or God-forbid, a solid-colored pair of hose. Otherwise, everyone will be so focused on trying to find the Magic Eye picture hidden in your ham hocks that they'll forget the rest of you even exists.
9) Crocs
Hey everyone! Who wants trench foot? If you answered with a resounding, "I do!" then please purchase a pair of Crocs. It will make the whole slimy, infected process so much easier. These shoes pack a double whammy, since they're not only the ugliest shoes on Earth, but have to be the most unhygienic as well. Apparently athlete's foot and odor been such a problem with these over-priced plastic pieces of crap that the company launched a special fungal and bacteria-resistant line called the "Rx Silver Cloud," so named because they are infused with silver particles that supposedly keep your feet cleaner. Now, I don't know about you, but if I'm wearing silver, I'd like it to be somewhere that people can actually SEE it, like oh, say, in a necklace, but I guess some people find it more important to include it in their hideous, slimy plastic shoes. If you own a pair of these, do everyone a favor and recycle them. Just make sure they're going to be reused in something with a purpose and not made into more crappy plastic jewelry.
10) Skin-Tight Maternity Clothes
GROSS. Being pregnant is a wonderful thing if you want a baby, can afford a baby, and are a responsible adult. Everyone is excited for you, but that doesn't mean that we want to see your gigantic parasitic bulge. Pregnant stomachs are not beautiful, they are repulsive, disgusting, and are not meant to be shown off under any circumstances. I'm going to go ahead and blame celebrities for this trend, since they seem to be the ones who started it. If tight clothes don't look good on pregnant celebrities who have personal trainers, they're going to look 1,000 times more terrible on your ugly hormonal ass. If you're pregnant, congratulations--you actually have a reason to wear some of that drapey crap that's all the rage right now. Please use it to hide your temporary deformity and the rest of the world will thank you for it.
