1) Dress
Alright, let's start with the dress. No self-respecting female wants to think about price when she's shopping for her wedding gown, so I didn't either and I found one I liked.
No, it's not my ideal gown, but I'm a sucker for blue and it doesn't look too uncomfortable. According to the website I stole the picture from, this one will run me about $1000. That's a completely reasonable price for a dress that I'm going to wear for one day, right? Also, it'll look so pretty when I stick it in a plastic storage bin and shove it up in the attic.
2) Crap that Goes with the Dress
Now that I have the dress, let's talk accessories. I'll need some pretty shoes, a necklace, earrings, and something sparkly to wear on my head. Heck, let's just go with a tiara. They seem to be pretty popular for this kind of shindig. Here are my sparklies:
I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "man, what a hottie!" right? She's really mastered that whole "fork in the outlet" look, and the brown roots are a really nice touch. The necklace, earrings, and tiara are only $400 for the set. What a deal! I'm not going to bore you with a picture of the shoes, but I found a completely acceptable pair for $130. No one will be able to see them under my floor-length dress, but all my guests can imagine how pretty they are.
3) The Cake
The cake is pretty much the "thanks for spending 7 hours at my wedding when you could be doing something important" gift to the wedding guests, so if you crap out on the cake, you're going to piss off everyone you've invited. That's why I'm choosing this cake:
I'd like to think that Louis XIV would be proud of me for choosing this cake, and look! It matches my dress. Unfortunately, Carrie's Cakes is based in Utah, but I'd really be doing myself a disservice to go with a local bakery when they don't even have icing that matches my dress, so I'm going to go ahead and cough up the $2,000 that this monstrosity costs, plus the $500 out of state delivery charge. Perfection has no price, right?
4) The Flowers
Some people like to use those cloth flowers that you can rent or purchase at craft stores, but I think that looks tacky, so I'm going to get some real flowers instead. Apparently it's not cool with the flower companies to recycle flowers from your ceremony for your reception, so I guess I'll just have to get packages for both! Let's see, I'll need a bouquet for myself, wrist corsages for my bridesmaids, boutonnieres for the groomsmen, flowers for the flower girls, another bouquet for me to throw, flowers for the ceremony, and flowers for the reception table centerpieces. Since I'm not entirely sure how many people will come, I'd better play it safe and order more than I think I'll need. Only $2,722, what a shame they'll all be dead in a week!
5) Shit for the Ceremony
Well here's something I've never thought about before! I guess I'm going to need a runner and a unity candle and some of that other stuff! Lucky for me, shindigz.com seems to have wedding supplies listed right underneath their "economic stimulus" themed party package. Since you've all seen a candle before, I thought I'd share something from the economic stimulus party supplies instead:
I think she'd be perfect to serve drinks at the bar during the reception. In case you were interested, I chose the "Two Become One" unity candle, and I think the Spice Girls would approve of my selection. After doing the math on my handy Windows Calculator Plus, I came to a grand total of $329 for all of the useless ceremony trappings. I'm sure I'll want to read that guestbook over and over again, so it's a small price to pay.
6) The Invitations
Of course, I'll need to get some snazzy invitations to mail out to everyone. Now, I could get creative here and spend a lot of money, but let's be reasonable. It's just a piece of paper, right? I found these great Mardi-Gras-themed invitations online from "Invitations by Dawn." Dawn must have some serious photoshopping skills because these aren't tacky at all!
Now I know that Mardi Gras conjurs up images of topless women with sagging tits more often than weddings, but hey, I really need everyone to know that it's a party, and it'll only cost me $100 for these beauties.
7) The Reception
Now it's time to start spending the big bucks! Since I live in Columbus, I want my reception to be held at my favorite building in town, The Ohio Theatre. Fortunately, they have their rental fees for the pavilion listed on their website. Now, everyone will need time to set stuff up and take it down, so I think I'll rent it for a full 8 hours, which will cost me $1,680. Since they're kind enough to let me use their space, I guess I'll pick my caterer off of their "preferred" list. I'm choosing "Made From Scratch" catering since they'll let me get a chocolate fountain that will only add $750 onto the catering bill. The bill for the groceries comes to about $10,202, but don't worry, that's including the open bar, so we're really getting a killer deal, here. I'm going to be too busy swimming in my chocolate fountain to take pictures, so I guess I'll need to hire a good photographer, which will cost about $3,550. Let's see, I know I'm forgetting something. Of course! The music! Now, I'm sure I'll have some people itching to dance after filling up on beer from the open bar all evening, so I'll need to hire a DJ. This guy seems classy:
What a deal, too. He's only $860 for 4 hours, and that includes one of those fantastic spinning mirror balls! Man, I really hope he's got that gray cloud backdrop on hand. Those are great, they just always seem to match the decor!
8) Limo Rental
People would think I was pretty lame if I didn't arrive at my big party in style, so I should definitely rent a nice car. Most people rent limos, but my boyfriend happens to be a car enthusiast. He'll be happy to know that we can opt for a 2008 GT-R instead for only $1,500.
As long as he doesn't wreck it street racing on the way to the reception, that should be affordable, right?
9) Crappy Favors for the Guests
I suppose it's tradition to buy something something small for the attendees. In the past, I've gotten personalized chocolate bars, shitty candles, and bottles of bubbles at weddings, so I guess I have to think of something equally cheesy. You'll be glad to know that M&Ms has taken care of all the thinking for me, by allowing customers to personalize candies with photos and messages! I decided upon this fantastic picture of me smoking a cigarette while dangling out of a New York City hotel window:
Also, I'm not wearing any pants. M&Ms even lets you add a very short message on the back of each M&M, so I chose "Thank You Note." I'm really quite impressed with myself for killing two birds with one stone on this one. Having the thank you notes out of the way is going to save me so much time after my honeymoon, and the favors are only $4,955.
10) The Honeymoon
I know the honeymoon isn't technically part of the wedding, but I'm including it anyway, since it costs money. My boyfriend and I have always wanted to go to Japan, and honeymoons are supposed to be once in a lifetime trips, so why not? Believe it or not, we can actually get a decent package deal from Expedia for $3,117, which really isn't that bad considering the cost of flying there. I'll factor in another $1,500 for food, souvenirs, and transportation as well, since I know very well that my boyfriend will demand to rent a car and drive all over the place once we get there.
The Grand Total: $33,395
This is a ridiculous cost, and it's not too far off of the national average. Why do people spend this much money on one lousy day? I'll tell you why: Everyone wants to feel special. Most of us aren't celebrities or CEOs, we're just average boring people, with average boring lives, and we feel like we deserve our one day in the sun. All of those gown manufacturers, cake decorators, and caterers know that, and they're willing to capitalize on it. If you've read this and still want to have a big wedding, consider the following list of other things that money could be used for:
-You could buy a brand new Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution, a nice sports car, for $33,685
-You could make a down payment on a $320,000 home
-You could take 10 trips to Japan, or any other country, for that matter
-You could pay for 4 years at a private liberal arts college without student loans
-You could put it in the bank for 20 years and double the amount on interest alone
-You could start your own business
-You could raise a child
Or, you could spend it all on your wedding, get divorced, and do it all over again. The choice is yours.
Sayonara for now.
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