1) Bot Flies
Everyone knows that flies are annoying. They barf on our food, lay eggs in our beloved dead relatives, and buzz in concentric circles around our heads just for the fun of it. The human bot fly, however, completely crosses the line between annoying and sadistic. The flies attach their eggs to mosquitoes, which then proceed to fly around and suck blood from stuff. If you happen to be such a mosquito's unfortunate meal, those eggs are likely to end up on you. "In" you is actually more accurate, since the eggs hatch on contact when they encounter the warmth of a host body and the larvae enter the puncture wound made by the mosquito. That's right, bot fly maggots develop under your skin. They munch on their hosts for about 8 weeks, and after they grow large enough, they pop out of you. As if having a giant squirming maggot lump in the middle of your forehead isn't bad enough, the only way to get rid of the parasite once you have one is to squeeze it out. It's just like popping a zit, except instead of draining a little bit of pus, (which is gross enough in itself) you pop out giant, white wiggling nastiness. You can asphyxiate the larvae first by covering the affected area with nail polish or duct tape, but does that really make it any less horrific? Fortunately, unless you're planning a trip to Costa Rica anytime soon, you have nothing to worry about. It's a tropical species that lives mostly in South and Central America and parts of Mexico. If you do find yourself in these areas, carry a can of "Off" with you at all times.
2) The Anglerfish
I'm pretty sure that if God is real, he dumped all of his "practice" creations into the bottom of the ocean. Anglerfish like to live where there is very little or no sunlight, because they know that if they lived close to the surface, we would hunt down every single one of the motherfuckers, load them into a rocket, and fire them into the sun for being so freaky. Anglerfish enjoy a symbiotic relationship with certain kinds of bacteria, which enter their bodies through the gills, and are stored inside the fish until it has amassed enough to produce a small amount of light, which glows on the end of a special spine protruding from the forehead. The anglerfish uses this light to attract prey. It bounces it's shiny little light around in front of its mouth, hoping that some other species that's attracted to shiny things (like sorority girls, for example) will swim close enough that it can impale them with a mouth full of needle-sharp daggers. If this isn't reason enough to hate these fish, they can distend their jaw bones and stomachs to accomodate prey twice their size. To top it all off, in order to mate, the male anglerfish has to bite a female, which releases enzymes into him that digest his mouth and body, leaving nothing but a pair of floating fish nads connected to the female by a couple of blood vessels. The female's eggs are fertilized by the sperm, and a whole new generation of terrible monsters is born.
3) Box Jellies
Most jellyfish are nothing but a nuisance. It hurts a bit if you accidentally brush past one while you're swimming, but other than that, they just kind of float around and look cool while they wait for something to eat them. Box jellyfish, on the other hand, suck balls, and you'd better hope they don't suck yours or it might be the last time you get any action. Box jelly stingers contain the most deadly venom in the animal kingdom. That's right, the most deadly. If you happen to get stung by one, the venom can kill you in about four minutes, so make sure you have your living will handy if you plan on scuba diving off the coast of Australia this year. Doctors advise swimmers to keep a bottle of vinegar with them, since applying it to the site of a sting is supposed to prevent poison that has not yet discharged from being fired into the bloodstream; however, it's hard for me to believe that the same stuff I pour on my french fries is going to stop a toxin that can kill me in four minutes flat. If you happen to get stung, it's probably a better idea to grab your cell phone and call your loved ones, since you're about to join the 5,568 people who have died of box jelly stings since 1954.
4) Asian Giant Hornets
I won't lie to you. This was the photograph that inspired this entire article. No wasp should be allowed to get this big, period. Asian giant hornets are over two inches long, which is a cute size for a caterpillar, but not so much for an angry stinging insect. Their stingers are a quarter of an inch long, and one entomologist compared getting stung to feeling "like a hot nail being driven into my leg." Sounds fantastic if you're a masochist! If that's not enough to get you off, don't worry, the venom contains a special neurotoxin that can be lethal even if you're not allergic to stings. Between 20 and 40 people die of giant hornet stings every year in Japan, which is greater than the number of Japanese people who annually idiotically kill themselves by eating fugu. Their venom is so potent that it can dissolve human tissue, which means that if you don't get the sting treated, your flesh will start to rot. If this isn't reason enough to eradicate this entire species, they're also vicious hunters of other insects that are actually useful. One giant hornet can kill 40 honey bees in a minute, using their giant, evil mandibles to chop the honey bees' adorable little heads off. The hornets then carry off the bees' larvae to feed their own nasty larvae, and eat all the bees' honey, which would be far better utilized as a topping for my biscuits at KFC.
5) The Candiru
What in the fuck is a candiru, you ask? It's only the most horrible little catfish in the whole world. The candiru lives in the Amazon River, and if giant anacondas and piranhas weren't scary enough to keep you from going for a swim there, maybe this little bastard will do the trick. The candiru is a parasite that is able to detect when another creature is close by smelling the water for the chemicals it secretes. Normally, they like to attack the gills of other fish. When a fish gets close enough to a candiru, the sneaky little bitch darts into the victim's gills and projects needle-sharp spines from its body to lodge itself in place. It then chews its way through the fish until it can find a major artery to drink from, which usually results in the death of whatever it happens to be chowing down on. After drinking its fill, the candiru calmly sinks back down to the river bed, smokes a cigarette, watches some porn, and digests its meal. Now, this is all fine and dandy, but unfortunately the candiru is not particularly picky about what it swims into, meaning that sometimes the candiru will opt to swim into your penis instead of another fish. Candiru are attracted by the chemicals in urine, and while they can't survive inside your urethra, they still seem to enjoy jamming themselves in there and then releasing their spines. The candiru doesn't inject venom or anything like that, but don't worry, plenty of people have died from shock or infection after getting attacked. If you are stupid enough to take a piss in the Amazon, just make sure you have good health insurance, since the only sure-fire way to remove the satanic thing is through surgery. Penis surgery is never fun, but it's definitely better than walking around with a dead spiky fish inside your dick.
There are plenty more useless, crappy animals that we could get rid of, but I'd really like to suggest that we start with these guys first. I know, I know, people think it's unethical to kill animals that suck, but maybe a less objectionable plan would be to put PETA members in charge of caring for these creatures. After all, that candiru is just another cute little sea kitten, right?
No comments:
Post a Comment