My Hometown: All Assholes

Everyone loves to hate their hometown, and I'm certainly no exception. I spent most of my childhood and adolescence in a wealthy suburb (we'll call it, "Upper Assholdom") of a medium-sized city, (which we'll call "Bolumbus.") In case you don't know where "Bolumbus" is, here is a map, which I have painstakingly edited for you:

The filled-in black stars = don't ever go there for any reason.

Now, anyone who has ever lived in Bolumbus will tell you that everyone from Upper Assholdom is an asshole. The people in Upper Assholdom are such enormous assholes that I'm fairly sure they would turn their town into an independently governed city-state if they were allowed to, since that way they could write up their own laws and kick out all the African Americans, immigrants, and homosexuals. When I was about 16 I read over our property deed, and discovered a clause strictly stating that the house was not to be sold to anyone of African American descent until 1999. Of course, that's completely illegal and stupid, but the suburb has somehow mysteriously managed to maintain it's homogeneously white demographic. In case you live in a normal part of the world and are wondering what living in a snobby, homogeneously white town is like, it's a lot like this:

Except instead of drinking red wine, they would be snorting lines of coke, and afterward the man would hop on a plane to the Bahamas so that he could fuck his secretary without his boring trophy wife around. Just to make sure you really get the full picture of what Upper Assholdom is like, here's an actual picture:

See, here's the thing about this place though: Most of the people who live there really aren't that rich. They live in modest 3 bedroom houses and just pay stupidly large amounts of money on property tax. The problem is that the community is so damned proud of it's coke head doctors and lawyers that it teaches everyone who happens to live there that they are better than everyone else...in the universe.

Children in this particular community start learning how awesome they are sometime in early elementary school. For me, it happened in 3rd grade when our teacher sat us down to ask us if it made us feel "sad" when others picked on us because of "who we were." I hadn't quite gotten to the point where anyone was picking on me yet, so I piped up and asked, "What do you mean?" Our teacher opened her mouth to answer, but one of my classmates cut her off, saying, "You know like when other people don't like us because we have money and they don't." I was just kind of confused, since my family really didn't have any more money than my friends' families who lived elsewhere in the city, but our teacher validated the girl's point by going on to lecture us about how we were going to have to stick up for ourselves, since we'd have lots of people who were jealous of us...right. Early elementary school is also the time when all children in Upper Assholdom learn to be terrified of blacks, Hispanics, and poor people. It only gets worse when these kids grow up.

If you asked a high-schooler from Upper Assholdom to draw a map of the world, you would likely see something like this:


The best part is that all of these kids graduate from high school and go to Emory, Stanford, or M.I.T. for 4 years and party since they're just pissing away their parents money; but when they finish with school, they're 10 times more fucked than anyone else in the world because they have no clue how to do anything for themselves. It's really funny to watch.

So anyway, if you happen to meet an asshole from Upper Assholdom. Go ahead and punch them and take their money. They won't fight back and we all certainly know they can afford it.