Lesson Number 1: Even if She Says She's "OK" with something, That Doesn't Mean that She Actually Is.
This happens a lot! More frequently than I'd like to admit, actually. Hey, remember that time the two of you were supposed to go over to her parents' house for dinner, but at the last second you asked her if it would be OK to go watch the game with the guys? Well that actually wasn't OK. In fact, she's probably still pissed off at you about it. Females tend to say "OK" to a lot of things they aren't actually OK with, which leads to unpleasant circumstances; like date rape, for instance! It's not that we're trying to be nice, it's usually that we want you to figure out that we're mad. There is really no fun in simply telling you that we do or don't want you to do something. We're counting on the fact that if you figure it out later for yourself, then you will probably feel guilty about it and apologize. Then, after you apologize, we can use your guilt as leverage to get something that we want. Depending on the size of your mistake, the "something" can range from a back rub to that pair of $350 shoes she's had her eye on at the mall. Also, if a woman ever tries to use an engagement ring or a baby as a bargaining tool, break up with her immediately.
Lesson Number 2: Girls Think Guys Who Show Obvious Interest in Them are Creepy.
Let's be honest with ourselves here; nothing is more boring than having what you want. We women hate to see men throwing themselves at our feet. Even if you think she's the sweet, innocent type who's into that romantic shit, she will still spurn you if you come on too strongly...or at all, actually. Guys who make a habit of aggressively pursuing women come off as desperate losers, and no one likes a desperate loser. In case you are wondering what sort of actions would qualify you as a desperate loser, here's a handy dandy list:
*Using pick-up lines of any nature
*Giving flowers for any reason, especially if you're not dating. (A quick side note on flowers: Flowers should only be given in circumstances of sympathy or congratulations. That means if her grandma dies or she performs at Carnegie Hall, it's OK. If you do it at any other time, it's uncalled for, and eventually the flowers will die, prompting her to draw parallels between the withering flowers and her relationship with you.)
*Buying her anything until you've been dating for at least a year, with the exceptions of Christmas (or whichever gift giving holiday you enjoy celebrating) and her birthday.
*Growing a goatee. (What are you trying to hide with that thing?)
*Talking about marriage early in the relationship. (Am I the only girl who has ever agreed to date you? If so, what does everyone else know that I don't?)
*Talking about children early in the relationship.
*Inviting her to meet your parents, go to your family reunion, or generally do anything else with your relatives when it's obvious you just want to show her off.
*Tanning, frosting your hair, displaying any form of gold or diamond jewelry, popping your collar, or wearing anything from American Apparel.
Girls like guys who show zero interest in them. It makes us think, "Gee, why isn't he falling all over himself in front of me? Does he think he's too good for me!? No one is too good for me, damn it!" At that point she'll start coming onto you really hard, but don't let on that you like her yet. Keep ignoring her for a couple of weeks. It'll drive her crazy and it's also quite humorous. When she seems like she's close to giving up on you, give her a call and ask her on a date, but make sure you don't sound even the least bit hopeful; you know, act like she'll be the 6th girl you've gone out with this week. It will work, I promise.
Lesson Number 3: "I Just Don't Feel Like It."
If a girl "just doesn't feel like it," just don't push it, especially if your "pushing it" is sexual in nature. In case you haven't figured it out yet, no, we don't sit around all day talking to our friends on the phone, and excitedly discussing which of us gets to give a blow job that evening. We have other thoughts and interests and hobbies that occupy much of our thinking space, and it may be that we're just not in the mood for sex. For instance, The Holocaust is decidedly un-sexy, but that may be what she's thinking about when you walk up behind her and unzip your pants. It's also possible that she's weighed the pros and cons and made up her mind that losing 20 minutes of her life pleasuring you is worse than simply allowing your relationship to deteriorate slightly. If you really want to have sex, do something sexy around her. We're really not that hard to please. Do you have awesome abs? Then lounge around the house with no shirt on. Does she love your smile? Then flash her a really sexy one. Remember, if all else fails, you can always just get her completely wasted and then ask her if she wants to screw.
Lesson Number 4: When We Ask You Crappy Questions, It Means You're Not Doing Something You Should Be:
There are certain questions that girls are compelled to ask that fill men with dread. Questions like, "Do I look like I've gained weight?" Or, "Do you think she's prettier than me?" Let me state just for the record that there are no correct answers to these sorts of questions. For example, if your girlfriend was to ask you, "Do you like this dress?" She'd kill you if you said "no," and if you say "yes," it won't matter. After that, she'll probably be pissed off for the rest of the night, and here's the reason why: The reason girls ask these questions is because they have noticed something that you have not. What the girl who asks if her boyfriend likes her dress is actually trying to say, is "Hey you fucking asshat! I made myself all pretty and you look like you couldn't care less. Why don't you notice these things?" What she may be failing to understand is that you wouldn't be dating her if you didn't find her attractive. Unfortunately, her chances of ever realizing this fact are slim to none, so you'll just have to deal with the fact that she's never going to act like a rational human being, and resort to complimenting her every now and then, even if you really don't mean it.
Lesson Number 5: If You are Going to Try to Share Your Interests with Her, Don't be a Dick About It:
If you have ever heard your girlfriend say, "Sports are stupid!" or "Video games are for little kids, why don't you grow up already?" Then this tip is for you. Contrary to popular belief, females are not born with aversions to things like team sports, video games, drinking contests, and good music. Those are all traits that have been learned from experience. If your girlfriend seems totally uninterested or even opposed to the things you enjoy the most, chances are, she's had a bad experience with those things in the past. Let's use video games as an example. Here is an instance of the proper method to use when introducing her to video games:
"Hey honey! You should check out this game I'm playing, I think you'd really like it!"
("I doubt that. What is it?")
"It's called 'Little Big Planet!' You get to design these adorable little sack people and dress them up. Then you play through these little stories and collect stickers and clothing! We can play together; and look! I made mine a kitty!"
At this point, she should be intrigued, and will gladly sit down and play with you. Now that we've explained the right way, let's explain the wrong way:
"Hey honey! You should play 'Counter Strike' with me!"
("What's 'Counter Strike'?")
"It's this totally sweet game where you get online and play on teams with other people and you shoot at them! Uh...it's kind of like capture the flag! Here, let me just get you set up really quick..."
("Ok, now um, what do I press?")
"Oh just those keys over there, on the left side of your keyboard. Ok, ready? Here we go..."
("Wait, what am I supposed to do?")
"Wait for it...wait for it...BOOM HEADSHOT!" Ha ha ha, damn, I nailed you, bitch!"
("What the fuck, Brandon why did you kill me?")
"Well, c'mon, honey. I mean, you were standing right out in the open like the biggest n00b on the planet! I mean, you sort of suck at this game, you know? Honey? Honey, where are you going with the car keys?"
This type of interaction will screw you over pretty badly, since she will come to associate video games with you being the world's biggest asshole, and no one likes the world's biggest asshole. You've actually done more damage than you realize, because she will spread the news of your assholdom to all her friends, who in turn will spread it to theirs, until everyone in town knows just how much you suck. If you ever want to date another girl again, you're going to have to find one who lives under a rock. You have also managed to fuck up the relationships of every other guy in town, whose girlfriends now hate video games. Good job, loser.
I hoped these pointers have helped, and if for some reason they haven't, your relationship sucks. End it.
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