Fashion Trends that Make My Eyes Bleed

What has happened to fashion? Everyone used to look so normal, and then suddenly, some motherfucker decided it would be a good idea to bring back the worst trends of the past 50 years all at once. I have half a mind to completely give up my career and go into fashion design just to make this hideous shit disappear.

1) Drainpipes



Everyone knows that "drainpipes" is just a new word for "80s jeans." No one looks good in skin-tight pants, period. AC/DC didn't look good in them, your mom didn't look good in them, and you don't look good in them either. Skinny jeans have the magical capability of making anorexic women look like they need to drop about 20 pounds. They are offensive in so many ways that it's amazing how many people have actually picked up on this horrible recycled trend. Your hips look larger, your thighs look fatter, and there is a good possibility you'll be rocking some serious camel toe. They come in a variety of colors and patterns, none of which disguise the fact that the lower half of your body looks like it went through a sausage stuffing machine. I can't believe I haven't heard about anyone's legs falling off due to lack of circulation yet. Don't buy them, don't wear them, and if you have any, please set them on fire.


2) Drapey Crap


Drapes, maternity shirts, titty curtains--call them whatever you want, it doesn't make them any less ugly. Why do pretty girls insist on wearing these shapeless disasters? Not only are they a huge turn-off, they make everyone think you're hiding something even more horrible than the shirt itself. What is it you've got under there? Are you pregnant? Is there some strange conjoined twin coming out of your stomach? WHAT? Fat girls are attracted to these things like moths to a light, but unfortunately, hiding your rolls doesn't make you look any less fat, it simply shows everyone that you're embarrassed of yourself. Everyone has a shape to show off, whether they're a size 2 or a size 20, so please humor us and pack these things away until you actually ARE 9 months pregnant. Even then, you probably shouldn't wear them out in public.


3) Men's Deep V-Neck Tees


Nothing screams "I'm a douchebag with herpes" like showing off your chest hair--ALL of your chest hair. Girls don't like chest hair on guys in the same way that guys don't like chest hair on girls. It's unattractive, and I'm sorry if I've hurt anyone's feelings, but really, it doesn't take too much time to just shave or wax it off. Even if you're as hairless as a naked mole rat, you still shouldn't be prancing around in one of these things, because they make you look like a fucking pedophile. While girls often feel the need to show some skin to attract guys, men don't need to do the same to attract women. Girls think that guys whose nipples are exposed every time they lean over are desperate attention-seekers, and since it's usually the female who fulfills that particular role in a relationship, they are more likely to see you as a threat than a potential partner or hook up. If you really want to impress a girl, rid your closet of all beaters, v-necks, and shirts that say stupid crap. Not only are they ugly, they detract from your face, which is where you actually WANT girls to be looking. Men may be drawn to boobs and butts, but girls want to see your pretty eyes and a nice smile.


4) Hideous Patterns


Yuck. Remember what I was saying about not wearing shit that detracts from your face? Yeah. Stripes are acceptable, but nothing else is. Everyone hates it when people wear complicated patterns. It looks like the Easter Bunny threw up all over you, died, and then you rolled in his bloody carcass. When your outfit is loud, distracting, and incorporates colors that should never be next to one another you become a menace to society. If someone is staring at your stupid outfit, gets into a car accident, and dies, it will be your fault. Just think about that the next time you walk out of the house in a color explosion.


5) Giant Sunglasses


If your goal is to look like an oversized insect, then please, by all means, purchase a pair of enormous sunglasses. Why do girls insist on wearing sunglasses that are half the size of their faces? I suppose you might wear them to make your nose look smaller, but it comes at the price of your dignity. Attaching an enormous piece of plastic to your head doesn't actually DO anything to change the size of your nose, or any other feature, for that matter. It's like when fat women use an entire can of aquanet on their themselves to make their hair bigger because they think it makes them look less fat. It doesn't change anything, it just makes you look like you're overcompensating, which of course, you are. The worst thing about these insect eye glasses is that they've become so popular that it's impossible to find a normal-looking pair anymore. I've had to resort to buying men's sunglasses for the past two years, which fall off of my face because they're too wide. I certainly hope that giant alien bugs don't invade Earth anytime soon, because if they do, and you happen to be wearing a pair of these things, you're likely to be mistaken for one and shot on sight.


6) Fauxhawks


These just make me angry. They're not attractive, but they're not hideous either. My problem with the fauxhawk is that it's a hairdo for guys who are such pussies that they won't commit to an actual mohawk. Most of the people who wear them are a part of corporate America, but they want to be "cooler" than that, so they dump half a can of gel onto their heads on Saturday night, put on the poorly-made metal-studded belt they bought at Spencer's, and head to the nearest nightclub, just so they can stand outside of it and pretend smoke clove cigarettes whenever a girl walks past. It's the perfect look for someone who isn't actually interesting at all, but desperately wants everyone else to think they are. Unfortunately for them, individuality is not something you can buy in a store, (although Hot Topic would like to convince you otherwise.) If you've been thinking that the fauxhawk is for you, maybe you need to figure out who "you" really are first.


7) Cheap Plastic Jewelery


Plastic jewelry is cute when you're 4, but pretty tacky when you're 24. I know it's inexpensive, and I know that it's colorful, but that does not mean you should adorn yourself with it. It makes you look like a little kid playing dress-up, and no one you encounter will take you seriously. Also, most of it is ugly as sin. If you're wearing this crap, it doesn't matter if you've got on a $10,000 Burberry suit, the whole outfit is immediately ruined and everyone will think you're an idiot.


8) Patterned Tights and Leggings


Nothing elicits more screams of horror from innocent bystanders than patterned tights. Even just looking at this picture is dangerous--you might burst a blood vessel in your eye. Please discontinue staring at it right now. Not only do patterned leggings, pantyhose, and tights make your legs look like a giant optical illusion, they also make them appear fatter than they really are. Wearing a pair of these things will make everyone think you're trying to cover up something horrible underneath. If you have premature varicose veins or bad cellulite, please consider opting for a longer skirt, a pair of pants, or God-forbid, a solid-colored pair of hose. Otherwise, everyone will be so focused on trying to find the Magic Eye picture hidden in your ham hocks that they'll forget the rest of you even exists.


9) Crocs


Hey everyone! Who wants trench foot? If you answered with a resounding, "I do!" then please purchase a pair of Crocs. It will make the whole slimy, infected process so much easier. These shoes pack a double whammy, since they're not only the ugliest shoes on Earth, but have to be the most unhygienic as well. Apparently athlete's foot and odor been such a problem with these over-priced plastic pieces of crap that the company launched a special fungal and bacteria-resistant line called the "Rx Silver Cloud," so named because they are infused with silver particles that supposedly keep your feet cleaner. Now, I don't know about you, but if I'm wearing silver, I'd like it to be somewhere that people can actually SEE it, like oh, say, in a necklace, but I guess some people find it more important to include it in their hideous, slimy plastic shoes. If you own a pair of these, do everyone a favor and recycle them. Just make sure they're going to be reused in something with a purpose and not made into more crappy plastic jewelry.


10) Skin-Tight Maternity Clothes


GROSS. Being pregnant is a wonderful thing if you want a baby, can afford a baby, and are a responsible adult. Everyone is excited for you, but that doesn't mean that we want to see your gigantic parasitic bulge. Pregnant stomachs are not beautiful, they are repulsive, disgusting, and are not meant to be shown off under any circumstances. I'm going to go ahead and blame celebrities for this trend, since they seem to be the ones who started it. If tight clothes don't look good on pregnant celebrities who have personal trainers, they're going to look 1,000 times more terrible on your ugly hormonal ass. If you're pregnant, congratulations--you actually have a reason to wear some of that drapey crap that's all the rage right now. Please use it to hide your temporary deformity and the rest of the world will thank you for it.

The Wedding Industry Can Kiss My Ass

The wedding industry in this country makes me want to vomit. The average cost of a traditional wedding ceremony and reception is around $25,000, which is phenomenal sum of money for anyone making less than $100,000 a year, and most people in their 20s and 30s fall into that category. No one should have to shell out that kind of cash for a dress and a party, but people do it willingly every day, netting the wedding industry somewhere between 40 and 70 billion dollars a year. This got me thinking: If I was planning a traditional wedding, how much would it cost me and in what ways could the money be better spent? Let's find out.

1) Dress

Alright, let's start with the dress. No self-respecting female wants to think about price when she's shopping for her wedding gown, so I didn't either and I found one I liked.


No, it's not my ideal gown, but I'm a sucker for blue and it doesn't look too uncomfortable. According to the website I stole the picture from, this one will run me about $1000. That's a completely reasonable price for a dress that I'm going to wear for one day, right? Also, it'll look so pretty when I stick it in a plastic storage bin and shove it up in the attic.


2) Crap that Goes with the Dress

Now that I have the dress, let's talk accessories. I'll need some pretty shoes, a necklace, earrings, and something sparkly to wear on my head. Heck, let's just go with a tiara. They seem to be pretty popular for this kind of shindig. Here are my sparklies:


I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "man, what a hottie!" right? She's really mastered that whole "fork in the outlet" look, and the brown roots are a really nice touch. The necklace, earrings, and tiara are only $400 for the set. What a deal! I'm not going to bore you with a picture of the shoes, but I found a completely acceptable pair for $130. No one will be able to see them under my floor-length dress, but all my guests can imagine how pretty they are.


3) The Cake

The cake is pretty much the "thanks for spending 7 hours at my wedding when you could be doing something important" gift to the wedding guests, so if you crap out on the cake, you're going to piss off everyone you've invited. That's why I'm choosing this cake:


I'd like to think that Louis XIV would be proud of me for choosing this cake, and look! It matches my dress. Unfortunately, Carrie's Cakes is based in Utah, but I'd really be doing myself a disservice to go with a local bakery when they don't even have icing that matches my dress, so I'm going to go ahead and cough up the $2,000 that this monstrosity costs, plus the $500 out of state delivery charge. Perfection has no price, right?


4) The Flowers

Some people like to use those cloth flowers that you can rent or purchase at craft stores, but I think that looks tacky, so I'm going to get some real flowers instead. Apparently it's not cool with the flower companies to recycle flowers from your ceremony for your reception, so I guess I'll just have to get packages for both! Let's see, I'll need a bouquet for myself, wrist corsages for my bridesmaids, boutonnieres for the groomsmen, flowers for the flower girls, another bouquet for me to throw, flowers for the ceremony, and flowers for the reception table centerpieces. Since I'm not entirely sure how many people will come, I'd better play it safe and order more than I think I'll need. Only $2,722, what a shame they'll all be dead in a week!


5) Shit for the Ceremony

Well here's something I've never thought about before! I guess I'm going to need a runner and a unity candle and some of that other stuff! Lucky for me, shindigz.com seems to have wedding supplies listed right underneath their "economic stimulus" themed party package. Since you've all seen a candle before, I thought I'd share something from the economic stimulus party supplies instead:

I think she'd be perfect to serve drinks at the bar during the reception. In case you were interested, I chose the "Two Become One" unity candle, and I think the Spice Girls would approve of my selection. After doing the math on my handy Windows Calculator Plus, I came to a grand total of $329 for all of the useless ceremony trappings. I'm sure I'll want to read that guestbook over and over again, so it's a small price to pay.

6) The Invitations

Of course, I'll need to get some snazzy invitations to mail out to everyone. Now, I could get creative here and spend a lot of money, but let's be reasonable. It's just a piece of paper, right? I found these great Mardi-Gras-themed invitations online from "Invitations by Dawn." Dawn must have some serious photoshopping skills because these aren't tacky at all!


Now I know that Mardi Gras conjurs up images of topless women with sagging tits more often than weddings, but hey, I really need everyone to know that it's a party, and it'll only cost me $100 for these beauties.


7) The Reception

Now it's time to start spending the big bucks! Since I live in Columbus, I want my reception to be held at my favorite building in town, The Ohio Theatre. Fortunately, they have their rental fees for the pavilion listed on their website. Now, everyone will need time to set stuff up and take it down, so I think I'll rent it for a full 8 hours, which will cost me $1,680. Since they're kind enough to let me use their space, I guess I'll pick my caterer off of their "preferred" list. I'm choosing "Made From Scratch" catering since they'll let me get a chocolate fountain that will only add $750 onto the catering bill. The bill for the groceries comes to about $10,202, but don't worry, that's including the open bar, so we're really getting a killer deal, here. I'm going to be too busy swimming in my chocolate fountain to take pictures, so I guess I'll need to hire a good photographer, which will cost about $3,550. Let's see, I know I'm forgetting something. Of course! The music! Now, I'm sure I'll have some people itching to dance after filling up on beer from the open bar all evening, so I'll need to hire a DJ. This guy seems classy:


What a deal, too. He's only $860 for 4 hours, and that includes one of those fantastic spinning mirror balls! Man, I really hope he's got that gray cloud backdrop on hand. Those are great, they just always seem to match the decor!


8) Limo Rental

People would think I was pretty lame if I didn't arrive at my big party in style, so I should definitely rent a nice car. Most people rent limos, but my boyfriend happens to be a car enthusiast. He'll be happy to know that we can opt for a 2008 GT-R instead for only $1,500.

As long as he doesn't wreck it street racing on the way to the reception, that should be affordable, right?


9) Crappy Favors for the Guests

I suppose it's tradition to buy something something small for the attendees. In the past, I've gotten personalized chocolate bars, shitty candles, and bottles of bubbles at weddings, so I guess I have to think of something equally cheesy. You'll be glad to know that M&Ms has taken care of all the thinking for me, by allowing customers to personalize candies with photos and messages! I decided upon this fantastic picture of me smoking a cigarette while dangling out of a New York City hotel window:


Also, I'm not wearing any pants. M&Ms even lets you add a very short message on the back of each M&M, so I chose "Thank You Note." I'm really quite impressed with myself for killing two birds with one stone on this one. Having the thank you notes out of the way is going to save me so much time after my honeymoon, and the favors are only $4,955.


10) The Honeymoon

I know the honeymoon isn't technically part of the wedding, but I'm including it anyway, since it costs money. My boyfriend and I have always wanted to go to Japan, and honeymoons are supposed to be once in a lifetime trips, so why not? Believe it or not, we can actually get a decent package deal from Expedia for $3,117, which really isn't that bad considering the cost of flying there. I'll factor in another $1,500 for food, souvenirs, and transportation as well, since I know very well that my boyfriend will demand to rent a car and drive all over the place once we get there.


The Grand Total: $33,395

This is a ridiculous cost, and it's not too far off of the national average. Why do people spend this much money on one lousy day? I'll tell you why: Everyone wants to feel special. Most of us aren't celebrities or CEOs, we're just average boring people, with average boring lives, and we feel like we deserve our one day in the sun. All of those gown manufacturers, cake decorators, and caterers know that, and they're willing to capitalize on it. If you've read this and still want to have a big wedding, consider the following list of other things that money could be used for:

-You could buy a brand new Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution, a nice sports car, for $33,685
-You could make a down payment on a $320,000 home
-You could take 10 trips to Japan, or any other country, for that matter
-You could pay for 4 years at a private liberal arts college without student loans
-You could put it in the bank for 20 years and double the amount on interest alone
-You could start your own business
-You could raise a child

Or, you could spend it all on your wedding, get divorced, and do it all over again. The choice is yours.


Sayonara for now.

5 Animals that Could Go Extinct and No One Would Care

Somehow, in the past couple of years, being concerned about the environment has gone from being geeky to cool. That's nice. Really, I'm not trying to be sarcastic. It's great that people are finally starting to care about how much carbon dioxide their cars produce and how many plastic bottles they throw away. Sometimes, however, I think perhaps we care about the environment a little bit too much, especially when it comes to scientists trying to save every species on the planet from extinction. So, without further ado, I present to you five creatures that could drop dead tomorrow and no one would care:


1) Bot Flies


Everyone knows that flies are annoying. They barf on our food, lay eggs in our beloved dead relatives, and buzz in concentric circles around our heads just for the fun of it. The human bot fly, however, completely crosses the line between annoying and sadistic. The flies attach their eggs to mosquitoes, which then proceed to fly around and suck blood from stuff. If you happen to be such a mosquito's unfortunate meal, those eggs are likely to end up on you. "In" you is actually more accurate, since the eggs hatch on contact when they encounter the warmth of a host body and the larvae enter the puncture wound made by the mosquito. That's right, bot fly maggots develop under your skin. They munch on their hosts for about 8 weeks, and after they grow large enough, they pop out of you. As if having a giant squirming maggot lump in the middle of your forehead isn't bad enough, the only way to get rid of the parasite once you have one is to squeeze it out. It's just like popping a zit, except instead of draining a little bit of pus, (which is gross enough in itself) you pop out giant, white wiggling nastiness. You can asphyxiate the larvae first by covering the affected area with nail polish or duct tape, but does that really make it any less horrific? Fortunately, unless you're planning a trip to Costa Rica anytime soon, you have nothing to worry about. It's a tropical species that lives mostly in South and Central America and parts of Mexico. If you do find yourself in these areas, carry a can of "Off" with you at all times.


2) The Anglerfish


I'm pretty sure that if God is real, he dumped all of his "practice" creations into the bottom of the ocean. Anglerfish like to live where there is very little or no sunlight, because they know that if they lived close to the surface, we would hunt down every single one of the motherfuckers, load them into a rocket, and fire them into the sun for being so freaky. Anglerfish enjoy a symbiotic relationship with certain kinds of bacteria, which enter their bodies through the gills, and are stored inside the fish until it has amassed enough to produce a small amount of light, which glows on the end of a special spine protruding from the forehead. The anglerfish uses this light to attract prey. It bounces it's shiny little light around in front of its mouth, hoping that some other species that's attracted to shiny things (like sorority girls, for example) will swim close enough that it can impale them with a mouth full of needle-sharp daggers. If this isn't reason enough to hate these fish, they can distend their jaw bones and stomachs to accomodate prey twice their size. To top it all off, in order to mate, the male anglerfish has to bite a female, which releases enzymes into him that digest his mouth and body, leaving nothing but a pair of floating fish nads connected to the female by a couple of blood vessels. The female's eggs are fertilized by the sperm, and a whole new generation of terrible monsters is born.


3) Box Jellies


Most jellyfish are nothing but a nuisance. It hurts a bit if you accidentally brush past one while you're swimming, but other than that, they just kind of float around and look cool while they wait for something to eat them. Box jellyfish, on the other hand, suck balls, and you'd better hope they don't suck yours or it might be the last time you get any action. Box jelly stingers contain the most deadly venom in the animal kingdom. That's right, the most deadly. If you happen to get stung by one, the venom can kill you in about four minutes, so make sure you have your living will handy if you plan on scuba diving off the coast of Australia this year. Doctors advise swimmers to keep a bottle of vinegar with them, since applying it to the site of a sting is supposed to prevent poison that has not yet discharged from being fired into the bloodstream; however, it's hard for me to believe that the same stuff I pour on my french fries is going to stop a toxin that can kill me in four minutes flat. If you happen to get stung, it's probably a better idea to grab your cell phone and call your loved ones, since you're about to join the 5,568 people who have died of box jelly stings since 1954.


4) Asian Giant Hornets


I won't lie to you. This was the photograph that inspired this entire article. No wasp should be allowed to get this big, period. Asian giant hornets are over two inches long, which is a cute size for a caterpillar, but not so much for an angry stinging insect. Their stingers are a quarter of an inch long, and one entomologist compared getting stung to feeling "like a hot nail being driven into my leg." Sounds fantastic if you're a masochist! If that's not enough to get you off, don't worry, the venom contains a special neurotoxin that can be lethal even if you're not allergic to stings. Between 20 and 40 people die of giant hornet stings every year in Japan, which is greater than the number of Japanese people who annually idiotically kill themselves by eating fugu. Their venom is so potent that it can dissolve human tissue, which means that if you don't get the sting treated, your flesh will start to rot. If this isn't reason enough to eradicate this entire species, they're also vicious hunters of other insects that are actually useful. One giant hornet can kill 40 honey bees in a minute, using their giant, evil mandibles to chop the honey bees' adorable little heads off. The hornets then carry off the bees' larvae to feed their own nasty larvae, and eat all the bees' honey, which would be far better utilized as a topping for my biscuits at KFC.


5) The Candiru


What in the fuck is a candiru, you ask? It's only the most horrible little catfish in the whole world. The candiru lives in the Amazon River, and if giant anacondas and piranhas weren't scary enough to keep you from going for a swim there, maybe this little bastard will do the trick. The candiru is a parasite that is able to detect when another creature is close by smelling the water for the chemicals it secretes. Normally, they like to attack the gills of other fish. When a fish gets close enough to a candiru, the sneaky little bitch darts into the victim's gills and projects needle-sharp spines from its body to lodge itself in place. It then chews its way through the fish until it can find a major artery to drink from, which usually results in the death of whatever it happens to be chowing down on. After drinking its fill, the candiru calmly sinks back down to the river bed, smokes a cigarette, watches some porn, and digests its meal. Now, this is all fine and dandy, but unfortunately the candiru is not particularly picky about what it swims into, meaning that sometimes the candiru will opt to swim into your penis instead of another fish. Candiru are attracted by the chemicals in urine, and while they can't survive inside your urethra, they still seem to enjoy jamming themselves in there and then releasing their spines. The candiru doesn't inject venom or anything like that, but don't worry, plenty of people have died from shock or infection after getting attacked. If you are stupid enough to take a piss in the Amazon, just make sure you have good health insurance, since the only sure-fire way to remove the satanic thing is through surgery. Penis surgery is never fun, but it's definitely better than walking around with a dead spiky fish inside your dick.


There are plenty more useless, crappy animals that we could get rid of, but I'd really like to suggest that we start with these guys first. I know, I know, people think it's unethical to kill animals that suck, but maybe a less objectionable plan would be to put PETA members in charge of caring for these creatures. After all, that candiru is just another cute little sea kitten, right?

Celebrities are Whiny Asshats Who Do Not Deserve Attention

So by now I'm sure that everyone has heard the recording of Christian Bale losing his shit on the set of the new Terminator movie. If for some reason you haven't, it's here:

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1899256

Now, I don't know much of anything about what goes on behind the scenes in a movie. The only time I have ever actually been on a set was when they were making that stupid film about Leroy Jenkins (the real one, not the World of Warcraft character) up in Delaware. It was excruciatingly boring, and as an extra, all you really do is stand around and react to what the main characters are doing. I was there for over three hours and they didn't even get one good take of the scene I was in. The only cool thing that happened was that the woman who'd been bragging to everyone about how she'd been in the airport scene in "Traffic" for 0.3 seconds got her period while the camera was rolling and ran off the set crying and covered with blood. After that I decided that I was going to leave, since I realized I wasn't going to catch a glimpse of Faye Dunaway, and I hate evangelists and everything they stand for. What I can say though, is that there is never any reason for an actor to be allowed to throw a temper tantrum or insult anyone working on the set, especially since most of them are probably far more intelligent and useful than anyone getting screen time.

Apparently what happened on the Terminator set was that the director of photography had been walking into scenes while the camera was rolling so he could adjust the lighting. I can see how this might be annoying for the actors who are trying to concentrate on playing their characters just right, but for fuck's sake, if you don't let the tech guys adjust the lights correctly, everyone's going to have to do the scene over again anyway. I guess this poor guy had walked into the scene one too many times for Christan Bale's liking, so Mr. Special Person threw a giant temper tantrum. I half expected him to yell, "I'm Batman! Where's my fucking latte?" in the middle of his tirade. Why do we allow people to get away with this shit? Thankfully, we have the internet now, so when we're not ragging on Jessica Simpson for packing on a few pounds and looking like a normal female, we can work on exposing people for the douchebags they really are. Maybe everyone in America could pitch in money to buy a desert island where we could send Christian Bale and other asshole celebrities to be rehabilitated, and by rehabilitated I mean die. Don't worry kids, Batman won't be lonely. He'll have Russell Crowe, Martha Stewart and Tom Cruise to keep him company.

Lastly, I'd like ask everyone to please stop paying so much attention to these people, because that's what they are--regular, boring people. Celebrities don't know who you are, they don't care about their fans, and if you ever meet any in public, there's a pretty good chance that they'll be entertaining fantasies of different ways to murder you while you ask them for their autographs. They already consider themselves to be gods, and showering them with attention only makes it worse. So cancel your subscription to "Us" magazine and take hollywood.com off of your favorites list. There are more interesting things to read about than how far along Angelina Jolie is in her quest to collect all the different types of Pokemon...I mean babies. If you do go browsing for celebrity gossip, make sure it's the kind that will expose one of them for who they really are. All of them are assholes. (Except for Jon Stewart, who is the rare and highly cherished awesome kind of asshole.)

Understanding Your Boyfriend

Men are really very easy to understand, as long as you are capable of rational thinking and reasoning. If you happen to be female, however, you might not have the benefit of rational thought, (which is likely the source of any problems you might encounter in your relationship.) Your boyfriend isn't stupid or insensitive, you're probably just not actually listening to him. So if you've ever been labeled a "crazy bitch" by a guy, here are some tips that may come in handy:


Lesson Number 1: Guys Enjoy Doing Things that are Fun.



This may seem obvious, but we females tend overlook this one on a regular basis. Ever wonder why your boyfriend didn't look thrilled when you got him tickets to go and see Rihanna with you? Well, it's because he hates Rihanna, but he knows that if he tells you that, you'll start to cry, so he has to go with you, which sucks for him. Maybe, if he's lucky, one of her boobs will fall out mid-concert or something. You see, what sounds like fun to you might end up being some unusual form of torture for him. Here are some things that you should never, under any circumstance, ask your boyfriend to do unless you are prepared to offer him something he wants in return:

*Go shopping for clothes, shoes, or make-up
*Listen to pop music of any kind
*Attend your friends' weddings
*Watch anything starring Zac Efron
*Dress up
*Cut his hair
*Purchase any sort of feminine hygeine product

These are all big no-nos. The more you ask him to do things that are not-fun, the less cool he will think you are. Eventually, he will remember that he was having a much better time hanging out with his friends and occaisonally sleeping around, and will dump you. If you must ask him to do something he hates, at least tell him that you'd be willing to do something that you hate in return. Here's the catch though: You have to act like you are enjoying yourself while you do it. It's not a very fair trade if you make him spend 3 hours in Forever 21 and then whine and complain while you're giving him a blow job later.


Lesson Number 2: He Doesn't Give a Crap About How You Look.



Now before you start arguing with me, please note that I said, "he doesn't give a crap about how you look," not "he doesn't give a crap about how girls look." Guys are drawn to sexy women the way moths are drawn to a light. This makes sense, since hot girls are pleasing to look at. Fortunately for us, most guys have widely differing standards of what they consider "sexy," and if he's dating you, that means he thinks you are sexy. Therefore, you do not have to spend 6 hours in front of the mirror every day checking the size of your pores and making sure that your mascara isn't clumpy. He thinks you're beautiful the way you are, and you will only piss him off by obsessing over your appearance. Every hour you spend making yourself look beautiful is one you could have spent doing something fun with him. Eventually, he'll realize that you are self-centered and that your beauty regimen is more important than he is, at which point he'll leave you for an ugly chick who is at least willing to wear the same pair of shoes two days in a row. Also, you're going to really screw yourself over by constantly asking him how you look. After awhile he'll start saying, "you look great," and "I love you" all the time, just to shut you up, while secretly wishing for you to die in a car fire.


Lesson Number 3: The Fact that He Wants to See His Friends Does Not Mean He Hates You.



How would you feel if every time you wanted to go bar hopping with your friends, your boyfriend started crying about how used and unappreciated it made him feel? Do you see where I'm going with this yet? Don't act like an abused puppy if he chooses not to include you in his plans every now and then. You may not be the only human being on the planet that he's in contact with. If he wants to go out with the guys for a few hours one night, he shouldn't feel like he has to ask permission from you first. If you act clingy and needy, it makes you far less attractive to him since you're behaving like his mom. He'll also start to think that you're a huge loser, since it would appear that you don't have any friends of your own, and you can't do anything without him. Remember lesson number 1? If he's going out for awhile, do something you enjoy that he doesn't. Go to the mall, get your hair done, or sit at home and watch "A Walk to Remember." Do anything you want, just give him some space.


Lesson Number 4: Offer Sex:



"But we have sex all the time!" you say. Even if your sex life is more than active, which of you is one initiating it? I'll bet it's him. Guys have very fragile egos, so it's important to let them know that they're attractive, strong, and bad-ass. As long as you pretend you think your boyfriend is God, he'll be satisfied. If you don't act like you want him every now and then, you cripple his sense of manliness, and that's just not cool. If you don't find yourself ever wanting to have sex with your boyfriend, then you don't actually like him and should break it off as soon as possible so that he can find someone who's not a giant bitch like you!


Lesson Number 5: Never Pressure Him Into Doing Something He Doesn't Want to Do.



No, I don't have this backwards. The entire male gender may be stigmatized with pressuring women into sex, but women are just as guilty of forcing guys to do things they don't want to do. This is especially true when it comes to getting married and having babies. Now, it's pretty bad if you pressure a guy into marrying you. If you've been dating him for over a year and he hasn't asked you yet, he's either not going to, or not ready yet. Either way, he's going to feel threatened and annoyed, and one of two things will happen: He'll do it just to shut you up, or he'll break up with you, and you're much better off if he breaks up with you. If he does marry you, it will inevitably end in divorce 5 years down the road, and alimony is just no fun. As bad as this scenario sounds, it's nothing compared to what will happen if you pressure him into having a baby with you. He'll have to give up all of his free time and most of his paycheck, and he will hate you forever. Eventually you'll divorce, except now you have to figure out what to do with the kid. Seriously, just don't ask those sorts of questions. If you're really dying to make a life-altering change, don't go dragging innocent people along for the ride.

Understanding Your Girlfriend

Girls are really hard to understand, especially if you don't happen to be one, so I thought I'd provide a small window of insight into the complicated and often completely nonsensical brains of girls.


Lesson Number 1: Even if She Says She's "OK" with something, That Doesn't Mean that She Actually Is.



This happens a lot! More frequently than I'd like to admit, actually. Hey, remember that time the two of you were supposed to go over to her parents' house for dinner, but at the last second you asked her if it would be OK to go watch the game with the guys? Well that actually wasn't OK. In fact, she's probably still pissed off at you about it. Females tend to say "OK" to a lot of things they aren't actually OK with, which leads to unpleasant circumstances; like date rape, for instance! It's not that we're trying to be nice, it's usually that we want you to figure out that we're mad. There is really no fun in simply telling you that we do or don't want you to do something. We're counting on the fact that if you figure it out later for yourself, then you will probably feel guilty about it and apologize. Then, after you apologize, we can use your guilt as leverage to get something that we want. Depending on the size of your mistake, the "something" can range from a back rub to that pair of $350 shoes she's had her eye on at the mall. Also, if a woman ever tries to use an engagement ring or a baby as a bargaining tool, break up with her immediately.


Lesson Number 2: Girls Think Guys Who Show Obvious Interest in Them are Creepy.



Let's be honest with ourselves here; nothing is more boring than having what you want. We women hate to see men throwing themselves at our feet. Even if you think she's the sweet, innocent type who's into that romantic shit, she will still spurn you if you come on too strongly...or at all, actually. Guys who make a habit of aggressively pursuing women come off as desperate losers, and no one likes a desperate loser. In case you are wondering what sort of actions would qualify you as a desperate loser, here's a handy dandy list:

*Using pick-up lines of any nature
*Giving flowers for any reason, especially if you're not dating. (A quick side note on flowers: Flowers should only be given in circumstances of sympathy or congratulations. That means if her grandma dies or she performs at Carnegie Hall, it's OK. If you do it at any other time, it's uncalled for, and eventually the flowers will die, prompting her to draw parallels between the withering flowers and her relationship with you.)
*Buying her anything until you've been dating for at least a year, with the exceptions of Christmas (or whichever gift giving holiday you enjoy celebrating) and her birthday.
*Growing a goatee. (What are you trying to hide with that thing?)
*Talking about marriage early in the relationship. (Am I the only girl who has ever agreed to date you? If so, what does everyone else know that I don't?)
*Talking about children early in the relationship.
*Inviting her to meet your parents, go to your family reunion, or generally do anything else with your relatives when it's obvious you just want to show her off.
*Tanning, frosting your hair, displaying any form of gold or diamond jewelry, popping your collar, or wearing anything from American Apparel.

Girls like guys who show zero interest in them. It makes us think, "Gee, why isn't he falling all over himself in front of me? Does he think he's too good for me!? No one is too good for me, damn it!" At that point she'll start coming onto you really hard, but don't let on that you like her yet. Keep ignoring her for a couple of weeks. It'll drive her crazy and it's also quite humorous. When she seems like she's close to giving up on you, give her a call and ask her on a date, but make sure you don't sound even the least bit hopeful; you know, act like she'll be the 6th girl you've gone out with this week. It will work, I promise.



Lesson Number 3: "I Just Don't Feel Like It."



If a girl "just doesn't feel like it," just don't push it, especially if your "pushing it" is sexual in nature. In case you haven't figured it out yet, no, we don't sit around all day talking to our friends on the phone, and excitedly discussing which of us gets to give a blow job that evening. We have other thoughts and interests and hobbies that occupy much of our thinking space, and it may be that we're just not in the mood for sex. For instance, The Holocaust is decidedly un-sexy, but that may be what she's thinking about when you walk up behind her and unzip your pants. It's also possible that she's weighed the pros and cons and made up her mind that losing 20 minutes of her life pleasuring you is worse than simply allowing your relationship to deteriorate slightly. If you really want to have sex, do something sexy around her. We're really not that hard to please. Do you have awesome abs? Then lounge around the house with no shirt on. Does she love your smile? Then flash her a really sexy one. Remember, if all else fails, you can always just get her completely wasted and then ask her if she wants to screw.


Lesson Number 4: When We Ask You Crappy Questions, It Means You're Not Doing Something You Should Be:



There are certain questions that girls are compelled to ask that fill men with dread. Questions like, "Do I look like I've gained weight?" Or, "Do you think she's prettier than me?" Let me state just for the record that there are no correct answers to these sorts of questions. For example, if your girlfriend was to ask you, "Do you like this dress?" She'd kill you if you said "no," and if you say "yes," it won't matter. After that, she'll probably be pissed off for the rest of the night, and here's the reason why: The reason girls ask these questions is because they have noticed something that you have not. What the girl who asks if her boyfriend likes her dress is actually trying to say, is "Hey you fucking asshat! I made myself all pretty and you look like you couldn't care less. Why don't you notice these things?" What she may be failing to understand is that you wouldn't be dating her if you didn't find her attractive. Unfortunately, her chances of ever realizing this fact are slim to none, so you'll just have to deal with the fact that she's never going to act like a rational human being, and resort to complimenting her every now and then, even if you really don't mean it.


Lesson Number 5: If You are Going to Try to Share Your Interests with Her, Don't be a Dick About It:



If you have ever heard your girlfriend say, "Sports are stupid!" or "Video games are for little kids, why don't you grow up already?" Then this tip is for you. Contrary to popular belief, females are not born with aversions to things like team sports, video games, drinking contests, and good music. Those are all traits that have been learned from experience. If your girlfriend seems totally uninterested or even opposed to the things you enjoy the most, chances are, she's had a bad experience with those things in the past. Let's use video games as an example. Here is an instance of the proper method to use when introducing her to video games:

"Hey honey! You should check out this game I'm playing, I think you'd really like it!"

("I doubt that. What is it?")

"It's called 'Little Big Planet!' You get to design these adorable little sack people and dress them up. Then you play through these little stories and collect stickers and clothing! We can play together; and look! I made mine a kitty!"

At this point, she should be intrigued, and will gladly sit down and play with you. Now that we've explained the right way, let's explain the wrong way:

"Hey honey! You should play 'Counter Strike' with me!"

("What's 'Counter Strike'?")

"It's this totally sweet game where you get online and play on teams with other people and you shoot at them! Uh...it's kind of like capture the flag! Here, let me just get you set up really quick..."

("Ok, now um, what do I press?")

"Oh just those keys over there, on the left side of your keyboard. Ok, ready? Here we go..."

("Wait, what am I supposed to do?")

"Wait for it...wait for it...BOOM HEADSHOT!" Ha ha ha, damn, I nailed you, bitch!"

("What the fuck, Brandon why did you kill me?")

"Well, c'mon, honey. I mean, you were standing right out in the open like the biggest n00b on the planet! I mean, you sort of suck at this game, you know? Honey? Honey, where are you going with the car keys?"

This type of interaction will screw you over pretty badly, since she will come to associate video games with you being the world's biggest asshole, and no one likes the world's biggest asshole. You've actually done more damage than you realize, because she will spread the news of your assholdom to all her friends, who in turn will spread it to theirs, until everyone in town knows just how much you suck. If you ever want to date another girl again, you're going to have to find one who lives under a rock. You have also managed to fuck up the relationships of every other guy in town, whose girlfriends now hate video games. Good job, loser.

I hoped these pointers have helped, and if for some reason they haven't, your relationship sucks. End it.

Math I Use at Work

I'm terrible at math. I mean really, truly, utterly terrible. It's not that I can't solve simple problems when they're placed in front of me; my issue is that as soon as the problem is placed in any sort of context, I can't solve it...period. Fortunately, working at a public library, my horrid math skills don't get much use. (Except when kids ask me what they're supposed to do on their homework and I explain it to them wrong.) There are, however, a few crucial equations I've invented myself that help me to predict exactly what is going to happen when different variables come into contact with one another inside the library. Here are some examples:


Old People + Electronics = Problems for me


Sometimes I hate the fact that the children's desk faces the copier. At least 60% of the people who use it are total idiots, even though it's relatively simple to operate. (Want to change the size of the copy? Hit the big button that says, "Reduce/Enlarge." Want to make a color copy? Hit the big button that says, "color.") Now, granted, you have to put your money in the coin box before you can copy anything, and the coin box has a non-adjustable 15 second timer on it, so it can be tricky to set the copier to the desired settings before the timer runs out. I don't mind helping people with that. The real problem comes when old people try to use it. Even though copiers have been around for over 20 years, they always get that wide-eyed look of panic as soon as they walk up to it and start yelling for help. Maybe I'm just not explaining things well enough, but every time I have to help anyone over the age of 65 with the photocopier, there's some horrible problem that inevitably takes at least half an hour to fix. My favorite was the time I asked an elderly woman to go ahead and put her money in the coin box, and while I had my back turned, she folded up her dollar bill so that it was very tiny and stuffed that motherfucker right into the coin slot. We had to find tweezers to pull it out, and she never even figured out why what she did was wrong.


The library is not a daycare center

This one seems to go over many people's heads. The library is a public institution that provides free information to the community, not free babysitting. Unfortunately, there seems to be a large percentage of young mothers who don't understand this. Most of the time, they come in to use the Internet and drop their offspring off in the children's department, assuming we'll just watch their kids for them. It wouldn't be a problem if they simply needed to check their e-mail for 5 minutes, but most of these people tend to spend 4 or 5 hours at a time online. Now, anyone who has ever spent any time around small children knows that they get bored very quickly. It's not fair to take your 3 year-old to the library and then abandon them. They can't read yet and can only color so many pictures before a destructive level of boredom starts to set in. At that point they start messing with the computers, stealing things from the librarian's desk, and running around while throwing their shoes at people. I don't care how poor you are; these days anyone can afford a computer. You can get one for about $300. Anyone can save up $300, it just might take some people longer than others. If you really want to use the Internet for 5 hours straight and you have a small child, don't be a dick and come to the library. Save up some cash and buy a PC so that we don't have to deal with your neglected kids. Also, placing a tracking device on your child that beeps loudly every time he moves more than 5 feet away from you and then coming to the library to use the computer for many hours is a bad idea. Period.


Storytime + Child Neglect = FAIL


For crying out loud, if you are going to take your child to storytime, pay at least a little bit of attention to them. Library storytimes are designed to help parents interact with children in ways which promote early literacy skills. It is not time to socialize with your friends. It is not the equivalent of plopping your kid down in front of the television for half an hour. And no, you can't leave your child in storytime and come back when it's over; you are missing the point entirely. I understand that having kids cuts back on a mom's time to do the things she used to enjoy, like talking to other adults or getting to spend more than 5 minutes alone without interruption. Unfortunately, when you have children, you automatically forfeit everything that compromises your life. It becomes your responsibility to make sure that your child grows up to be a functional adult, and to achieve that, you have to pay attention to them. Therefore, if you are going to bring a kid to a library storytime, you can't treat it as social hour or time to escape to the coffee machine in the lobby. You need to sit there with your kid, do the rhymes, sing the songs, and dance the dances. Yes, you will look like a complete moron doing it, but acting like an idiot is a sure-fire way to get your child to remember how to count to ten. Besides, you'll have plenty of time to socialize when they're teenagers and they hate you.


Teachers - brains = a huge waste of my time


It's unfair of me to say that all teachers are idiots. I've met plenty of teachers who are intelligent and excellent mentors. I have discovered, however, that there are a disproportionate number of brainless people who somehow thought it was a good idea to teach elementary school, (specifically 1st and 2nd grade.) It's not that they're all bad--many of them are quite good in a classroom setting--it's simply that they don't seem to understand how the world works once they walk out of the classroom. You would think that if one is planning to become an educator of any sort, it might be a good idea to figure out how a library works. Unfortunately, many of them can't seem to read signs, follow directions, or use the Internet, which means that every time one of these people comes into the building, I have to spend half an hour collecting material for them and essentially doing their job. At my library, we even offer to pull collections for teachers on specific topics, as long as they give us at least two weeks notice, which seems to come as a shock to many of them. One would hope that a teacher would plan out her curriculum more than 2 weeks in advance, but alas, it is usually not so. What we often end up with are people who come into the department, refuse to learn how to use the catalog, and ask me to pull 30 or more books for them. They also always manage to come in when we're busiest, so everyone who has the misfortune of walking into the children's department after the teacher has to wait an unacceptable amount of time to be helped. It wouldn't be so bad if they came in asking for 30 picture books on food, or 30 books on dinosaurs, but they always manage to ask for something that doesn't exist. No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to make these people understand that we don't have books on the cold war at a first-grade level, and there simply haven't been 30 titles on blind African American gardeners published yet. (I wish I was kidding.) And it never fails that as soon as I impart this wisdom onto whomever I'm helping, they're shocked. Really though, who could have guessed that we wouldn't have any fun storybooks on quadratic equations?